I have been thinking of how I'm going to write this. I still haven't come up with a good way, so I'm just gonna type and see what comes out.
I received my MRI results Friday morning. It's not a torn MCL. It's bad arthritis. Arthritis on the joint on the inside of my knee. When it can be seen on the MRI, she says, "it's pretty advanced."
Bone-to-bone. The cartilage is gone. It will not get better. It will only get worse. You won't be running anymore.
Those last five statements have been whirling around in my head every second of every hour I have been awake since I heard them. Even as I type this, my eyes tear up. I know. Silly, right?
This is not a death sentence and I understand that. It's not "the end of the world." My life is going to be a little different from this point forward, that's all. I can say that but I feel anything but. I can't joke about it. I can't make light of it.
I will never run a road marathon. I will never do a 50-miler. I will never do a 100K. I will never do another 50K.
I'm not sure if it's the actual thought of not doing these things or the thought of not being able to do these things with the people that DO do them that makes me so sad. I have made so many connections because of the running that I do. What's going to happen to those connections once I stop "connecting" with them on that level?
Yes, I have had a lot of pep talks with myself about what I still CAN do. This post is not about that though. I need to grieve about and accept the "not running" part before I can be happy and start diving into other activities. Don't worry though, I haven't climbed into a cave. I have gone on a couple of very nice hikes this weekend which is helping me process this.
Give me a couple of days (or so) and I will hopefully be back to my normal self.